Secret to greenest garden: booze, bugs and bones

Stuck in with the magazines and catalogs in one day’s mail was a special sneak-preview of a book with secrets to the greenest garden in town. The cover blurbs got my attention: Moles hate chewing gum; house plants love Elvis; roses eat rotten bananas.

I don’t have any moles in my yard but, if I did I wouldn’t offer them Juicy Fruit chewing gum. The armadillos —maybe.

There are interesting hints for lawn care including a tonic made out of molasses, beer, liquid dish soap and household ammonia. I’m debating whether to try out a mess of this on a test patch of grass or just sit in the shade, drink the beer and forget about the lawn.

Same question with a recommendation for a weed killer made out of an ounce of vinegar and an ounce of gin mixed with eight ounces of water. Would I be happier just drinking the gin and ignoring the weeds?

There’s a photo of a bottle of Tennessee whiskey with a note that on page 119, you can learn how a capful can supercharge your container plants. I guess I’ll have to buy the book to learn if I should wait until cocktail hour to fix my fern from my fifth. And do I announce: “Hi, I’m Mary, your server?”

There’s one recipe that will make both you and your plants thrive. You start with clean chicken bones — which means you will have gnawed off all the chicken. You clean the bones, dry them in the microwave, put then in a plastic bag, smash them into smithereens and sprinkle around your plants.

What with the chicken, washed down with either the beer, gin or whiskey I had decided not to pour around my petunias, I’d expect to be just in the mood to whip up what the author, Jerry, calls his buggy brew which, he says, will get rid of the “bad guys.”

First you need a half cup of dead insects. I remember the last time I cleaned out the two front porch lights, there was at least a half cup in the bottom of each. Next you puree the dead insects with dish soap, cayenne pepper and water, strain through pantyhose, dilute with water, mist your garden with this and sing bye bye bad bugs. The pantyhose, I presume, are not being worn at the time.

Another idea is to set a house plant on top of the radio. The vibrations get the plant’s circulation revved up. The ad mentions rock n’roll but I’m hoping my plants will prefer classical. My radio is small so I will only be able to rev up very small plants.

I think I’ll send for the free 21-day preview of Jerry’s book with absolutely no risk or obligation on my part.

I can try the remedies that use stuff I’ve already got like mustard, pepper, coffee grounds, rotten bananas, soap, coffee cans and radios. I can skip those that call for more exotic ingredients like hydrated lime, liquid iron and earthworm castings.

We’ve all heard that we should talk to our plants. Maybe if I decide to donate my beer, gin and whiskey to my marigolds, roses and butterfly bush, they’ll talk to me.

Mary McClure lives in Lawton and writes a weekly column for The Lawton Constitution.