Freedom from cellphones

You know about road rage. I don’t have road rage. What I have is cellphone rage. So far, I have managed to contain it but I am building up to a massive attack in which I run up to the offender, snatch the phone from his or her hand, hurl it as far as I can and scream: “I don’t want to hear this!”

I have ranted about this with many, many people and, to a person, they agree. Which makes me wonder, who’s left to be the offenders?

Here are excerpts of calls I was forced to listen to in a sample week:

In the grocery store: “Hi, whatcha doin’? Oh, I’m just here in the cheese section…”

In the post office line: “Hey, will you bring that extra set of golf clubs?”

In a theater lobby: “How’s the weather there?”

At a medical clinic: “Hello. David told me to call you.”

In an airline terminal: “Are you going cocktailing Friday night?”

In a meeting: “Oh, I’m just in the middle of this meeting. Someone’s giving a report.”

It’s not like there aren’t solutions. Cellphone users should be labeled as harmful to the well-being of the general public as smokers. Here’s how it would work.

Large areas like airports, malls, sports arena, would set aside sound-proof areas for cellphone users. Prominent signs would warn: “Cellphones will be used only in designated areas. Violators will be prosecuted.”

Small areas — bank lobbies, post offices, grocery stores, doctor’s offices — would have one or more of the old-fashioned telephone booths — without the telephones — where the caller goes in, sits on a tiny, triangular seat, shuts the door and talks.

Cellphone booths, paid for by taxing cellphone companies, would be placed conveniently on city sidewalks and in public spaces.

The least-expensive solution would be to provide marked-off places outdoors outlined by the yellow tape used at crime scenes. Users could take as much time as they liked to mouth such mind-numbing sentences as, “And then she said … and then I said.”

I don’t know what can be done about people who take calls during meetings, especially in homes. Maybe the meeting should instantly cease and everyone there stand, put their fingers in their ears and stare at the offender.

Cellphones are as much a health hazard as second-hand smoke. Those of us forced to overhear inane, boring conversations may develop hypertension, ulcers, dizziness, leg cramps, facial tics, sexual dysfunction and toenail fungus. OK, I made up the toenail fungus.

There is concern that radiation emitting from cellphones may damage the brains of users. I see evidence of this, don’t you? Further research may prove that the radiation is also poisoning the air that others breathe, much like second-hand cigarette smoke.

I envision laws being passed to protect our privacy — something called the “Freedom from Cell Phones Amendment” where public use is permitted only in an emergency.

Cellphone rage is rampant. Offended, annoyed, irate and raging, we should demand relief. We can do this. We can —uh oh, there one goes again. …

Mary McClure lives in Lawton and writes a weekly column for The Lawton Constitution.