COLUMN; Moving forward = looking forward

This past week, I had an interesting experience. An acquaintance from my past reached out. After the initial moment of shock, I had not spoken to this person in five years, I found myself spiraling down what could have been a long, dark tunnel.

When I knew this person, I was going through one of the hardest, most difficult times in my life. Imagine your three worst nightmares, combine them, make them a reality, and that was where I was. I won’t delve into the details, but suffice it to say that 2014-2016 set the tone for the next six years. I am grateful for the experiences. If it had not been for those very challenging 8 years, I never would have become the person I am today.

Fortunately, as the dread of someone from my past reaching out started to grip me, my dogs asked to go for a walk. Somehow, these precious animals always know when I need a break. One of the biggest lessons I have learned this past year is to listen to them. They have an uncanny ability to know what I need before I do.

The walk cleared my mind, and helped me gain perspective. While there was nothing negative between this person and I, nor had there ever been, we had never truly been friends. It felt odd for them to reach out. I should have mentioned they reached out for help with a business idea, not with a request for personal help. The past few months have shown me working with friends is often not the best of ideas. The lines and boundaries get blurred, resulting in a not pleasant experience.

Walking with Selina and Raffy, I looked around. I realized how much I love the life I have created. Bad days are manageable, there is always hope, and more often than not, I can find a ray of sun even in the darkest moments. I am right where I want to be. I am content with the battles I have won, the lessons learned, and even love my scars. I am excited for future growth, eagerly anticipating the journey forward.

And that is when it hit me. In order to keep moving forward, I can’t look back. The past eight years were dark, hurtful, and at moments left me without the will to live. I am grateful for everything. But, this year, I actively made the choice to let it all go, to stop looking back, and to only look forward. This means not reopening or restarting old relationships.

For some of you, this may seem like a negative perspective. And, I will be honest, it is probably a guarded decision made to protect my heart and peace. I will never turn a person in need away. I will always help. But I can do that without reopening doors or allowing my past to creep back in. No matter the healing I have done, I will never, or at least in this moment, be able to return to the place where the spiral started. I am ok with this. I have no bitterness, anger, or hurt in my heart. Simply a strong need to protect my peace.

I responded with a kind message, referring this person to another consultant, who in all honesty, is better equipped to handle their needs. Then I actively took a step forward, and stopped looking back.

Sara Orellana lives in Oklahoma City and writes a weekly column for The Lawton Constitution.