Changes in parenting

I have noticed over the last few years changes in the way I parent. Some may say these changes are driven by the fact that my daughter is 19. But I would argue the point. I would say the changes are driven by the fact that I am now 43 and value different things in life.

I would surmise my childhood, while untraditional in that we moved often, was very traditional with how I was raised. My mom stayed home and handled all things house and child rearing. My dad, a dedicated workaholic, started traveling for work when I was in the second grade. When he was home, he was in his office or woodshop. My mom was very strict, demanded things were her way, and despite the fact that she would tell you she wanted an independent headstrong daughter, turned me into a people pleaser.

Somewhere in my early 30s, I realized the way I was raised would not work. My goal was to raise a responsible adult. Someone who had dreams and followed them. I suspect my change in mindset came from the four years I spent managing college students. When you simply sit, watch, and listen, you learn a lot. I learned what I did not want to happen.

And so I changed. The way I raised my daughter was as opposite from the way I was raised as possible. We took every opportunity to celebrate life. We ate ice cream for dinner. We had tea parties with our favorite snacks. I encouraged her love of art and animals. I thoughtfully challenged her ideas, made her think, and find her own way. And, probably the most radical difference, I told her she would not, was not allowed, to follow in my footsteps. This was her life, and she was responsible for finding her happiness, which was not located somewhere in my shadows.

We made it through high school with conversations, lessons learned, and lots of love. On days she was overwhelmed, I gave her space, brought her food and treats, but never forced. She got mad at me. I can remember the day she looked at me and demanded to know why I could not be like her friends’ parents. Why couldn’t I simply ground her? Why was everything a lesson to learn and an opportunity to grow?

Allow me to pause here, and tell you I made so many mistakes with B. I said the wrong things, did the wrong things, and made terrible life choices. I am honestly surprised she is still talking to me, let alone the fact that she considers me a friend. Looking back over her life, I shudder at the terrible, horrible mess I made of mine. In the search to find me, I wasted twenty years pleasing others, rebelling, dragging her through terrible relationships, and hitting rock bottom. I am truly ashamed of myself, my mistakes, and the life I lived. But I can say that I lived, loved, and learned. The result, a much more thoughtful, reflective, empathetic adult. I can truly say, I would not be who I am or accomplished what I have achieved without my rebellious nature.

Parenting is the hardest thing we’ll ever do in our lives. And the moment we start to look back, we see our mistakes, not our victories. I would like to challenge you to stop regretting what you have done, and instead place all your energy on growing, doing better, and loving every moment you get with your children.

Sara Orellana lives in Oklahoma City and writes a weekly column for The Lawton Constitution.