Self-care vs. perspective

Over the past few weeks I have had some very interesting conversations with my daughter. At 19 she never ceases to amaze me. B is preparing to embark on a new career, a career that will place her in the public eye. As such, we have had conversations about managing her self-care and the perspective of others.

When B was a child, I worked in the nonprofit sector. I will never forget the moment I realized the power of perspective. My first CEO experience was running an out of school time program for high risk children. I loved it. At the end of a particularly long day, as I waited for a child to gather their things to leave, I listened to two moms talk about a teacher they saw at a wine bar over the weekend. As I listened, I heard them knock this teacher’s professionalism because over the weekend, they had met up with some friends to enjoy a glass of wine.

Not wanting to let the moms know I had heard, I kept my head down and processed. These moms had obviously been in said wine bar. The teacher they were discussing was single with no children. I could not process how enjoying an evening out with friends was wrong for this teacher, but for two moms it was perfectly acceptable. And that is when it hit me. Perspective.

Unfortunately, when you hold certain positions, the world feels they have the right to pass judgment on every action you take. That moment impacted me for years. Once I realized that parents would judge me for enjoying myself, or donors, board members, and community stakeholders could pass judgment on my professional life by how I spent my free time, I immediately put several boundaries into place. I was the first to work and the last to leave. I canceled vacations, missed major events in my child’s life, while working myself into a health nightmare.

My daughter grew up watching me make these choices and live my life according to perspective. I have spent the last year focused on my health and building a life I am proud of. I have stopped worrying about perspective and what others think of me. Thankfully, B has been here for this part of the journey as well.

We can never control the perspective of others. And we should not live our lives with boundaries set by the beliefs of others. People will always judge you. Pettiness and passive aggressive behavior will always surround you. I have chosen to end several friendships of late because I was exhausted from their pettiness, passive aggressive, judgemental comments. I worried bad things would happen when I ended these relationships. Nothing negative happened. In fact, quite the opposite happened. I found even more peace, and learned more about myself.

Never place the perspective of others above self-care and your inner peace. The people passing judgment on you have not lived your life, nor do they deserve to have a perspective on your decisions. Focus on your health, peace and goals. Surround yourself with people who lift you up. Make decisions that you can live with and accept the consequences of. Stop living your life for others. I promise, you will not regret making these changes.

Sara Orellana lives in Oklahoma City and writes a weekly column for The Lawton Constitution.